If You’re Yelling at Your Kids More Lately, ‘SHE MD’ Says This Is Why

There’s a moment every mom has that feels like an out-of-body experience. You’re overstimulated, under-slept, someone is crying (maybe you), someone needs a snack (also maybe you), and suddenly the smallest thing makes something inside you snap.

On SHE MD, host Dr. Mary Alice Haney sits with clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy to talk about that exact moment. Whether you’ve lost it over spilled milk one too many times or you’re white-knuckling your way through bedtime every night, this one’s about understanding what your anger is actually trying to tell you—and why ignoring it is making everything worse.

Why you keep exploding

Most of us were raised to be “good girls,” which Kennedy says is “shorthand for ‘can you become an expert and gazing out and noticing what everyone needs from you and actually get as much distance as possible from what you might need for yourself.’” She’s right. You learn to check on the kids, your partner, the house, the schedules…but you stop checking on yourself. And that conditioning? It turns into a lifelong habit. 

Sleep? Later.

Friends? Someday.

A moment of silence? Doesn’t exist..

Unfortunately, your body doesn’t forget. Those tiny “I need a break” signals stack up like unread emails until—boom—your kid drops a cup of yogurt and you’re suddenly yelling like someone set the house on fire. Psychologists actually back this up. Parents who chronically suppress their own needs experience higher stress reactivity, meaning they explode faster and harder when overwhelmed. Anger becomes the emergency flare that shoots up after weeks of swallowed frustration. 

What your anger is trying to tell you

“Feelings are information,” Kennedy points out. “Cutting off information in our body, it’s never a great decision.” Anger is the indicator light on the dashboard. The check-engine message. “Anger without skills leads to rage, which is not productive, but the problem isn’t the anger,” she continues. “The problem isn’t even the rage—don’t get me wrong, the rage is a problem, but it’s a symptom of the actual problem.”

Emotions aren’t random outbursts, but biological signals designed to guide us. When you disconnect from them, you lose access to the very information that helps you understand what you need, where your limits are, and why you feel so overwhelmed.

That’s why the rage moment feels so disproportionate. It’s not coming out of nowhere—it’s arriving after weeks (or months) of ignored signals. 

And the worst part? Being completely disconnected from anger often means being disconnected from your sense of self-worth. If you have no idea what you need or deserve, “you are an empty vessel for other people to fill up,” Kennedy says. That’s not sustainable. And critically—that’s not what your kids need from you. “Motherhood is not martyrdom,” she continues. You don’t get bonus points for running yourself into the ground.. 

How to stop driving off the cliff

When parents ask how to keep their “car” from going over the edge during a meltdown, Kennedy always gives the same answer: “Why do you keep driving to the cliff?” It sounds harsh, but it’s the reframe most moms need. If anger is the dashboard warning light, then prevention—not crisis control—is the thing that actually keeps you safe. So how do you do that?

Kennedy starts with a simple question: “Have you sat down all day? Have you literally sat down all day?” She continues, “Humans need to sit and not run on adrenaline for 4 and a half weeks at a time”—but moms try anyway, convinced they’ll deal with themselves later. Later never comes. That’s how the drive to the cliff starts.

The fix isn’t complicated. It’s actually annoyingly simple: you just have to meet some of your needs some of the time. Not all, not perfectly, not every day. Just enough to remind your body it’s allowed to exist alongside your kids.

That also means asking for actual help. Who can handle bath time so you can sit down without someone calling your name? Who can take the kids for an hour so your brain can breathe? This isn’t indulgent. It’s maintenance. 

For more insights, tune into SHE MD wherever you get your podcasts.

Read Next

• Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt Says We Need to Stop Pretending Moms Can Do It All on ‘After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings’
• ‘Good Enough’ Makes the Case for Ditching ‘Gentle’ vs. ‘Strict’ Parenting Labels
• ‘After Bedtime’ Reveals the Neurodivergent Parenting Reality No One Talks About