Do You Have a Narcissistic Parent? Here Are the Signs Everyone Misses

It usually starts with a revelation—maybe in therapy or, if you’re like us, maybe scrolling TikTok at 2 in the morning. You realize your mom turning every conversation back to herself isn’t just annoying. It might be narcissism. Or that your dad’s emotional unavailability has left you spiraling into anxiety every time a friend forgets to text you back. 

You might be onto something, and you’re definitely not alone. On Almost Adulting, host Violet Benson breaks down what it means to have a narcissistic parent, drawing insights from her latest book club read, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

But calling a parent “emotionally immature” is about throwing around labels or playing the blame game. It’s about understanding patterns and how this behavior has impacted you.

Narcissistic Parent: What to Know If You’re the Child of a Narcissist

Emotional immaturity vs. emotional maturity 

Emotionally immature parents aren’t just losing their temper occasionally or a little reactive when they’re tired or stressed. Everyone does that. These are people who have low empathy and are insensitive, inconsistent, and contradictory. They also lack a sense of who they are stuck in patterns that put their emotional needs first, always. They have the emotional regulation skills of a toddler with the power dynamics of an adult.  

Emotionally immature parents are wounded people who live in a perpetual state of insecurity, constantly worried they’ll be exposed as bad, inadequate, or unlovable. For this reason, they keep other people at a distance and their defenses high so that other people can’t compromise their already shaky sense of self-worth. 

Emotionally immature people also lack a “cringe factor.” They rarely apologize or experience regret. There’s no such thing as thinking about how their behaviors affect other people. 

Other traits of emotional immaturity: 

• Rigidity, single-mindedness, and impulsiveness (“There’s only one right answer,” or “It’s my way or no way.”)
• Low stress tolerance and using coping mechanisms to deny, distort, or replace reality
• Difficulty admitting mistakes and instead discount the facts and blame others
• Difficulty regulating emotions and the expectation that everyone will soothe them by doing what they want
• Seeking out comfort and do what feels good 
• Assessing situations in a subjective way where they put feelings over facts (what is true doesn’t matter nearly as much as what feels true)
• Little respect for difference (everyone should see things their way)
• Self-involved, self-preoccupied, and egocentric

On the other hand, emotional maturity looks like: 

• The capability to think objectively 
• The ability to sustain deep emotional connection and attachments with others 
• Functioning independently 
• Pursuing what they want directly without exploiting others
• A well developed identity and sense of self separate from their family
• Empathy, impulse control, and emotional intelligence
• The ability to handle conflict and stress directly and realistically while adapting

Signs of a narcissistic parent 

Once you know what to look for, the patterns become obvious. Your mom listens to you talk about your breakup, then immediately pivots to her own divorce story. Your dad responds to your promotion by one-upping you with his own career highlights.

Then there’s role reversal, where they treat you as if you are the parent. They expect attentiveness and comfort from you if they’re having a bad day. One common example: dumping their marital problems on you as a kid, so you were the one doing the comforting instead of receiving it. 

Emotionally immature parents are inconsistent with their feelings—it just depends on their mood that day. It sets up a reward system where kids have a tenacious resolve to think they can get a reward for their efforts. This undermines the child’s sense of security, keeping them on edge. It also teaches a child that their parent’s mood is their fault. 

Are emotionally immature parents able to change?

You’ve probably spent hours wondering whether your narcissistic parent can change. The truth is anyone can change, but it’s a choice—and it requires self-reflection.

“Self-reflection is the first step to change, for ourselves and the people around us,” Benson explains. Unfortunately, many parents are not interested to notice the impact of their behaviors on other people. They have no impetus to change, and they fear feelings.”

Emotional vulnerability makes narcissists feel exposed and extremely nervous, but that’s exactly where change happens. You can’t do the work for your emotionally immature parent, but you can ask them to try therapy. Encourage them that it’s time to drop the facade and actually process their emotions for once. 

You also have the power to set boundaries and explain how their behavior affects you. Just remember: Your parent’s willingness to grow isn’t your responsibility.

To learn more about emotionally immature parents, tune into Almost Adulting.