Erin and Abe Lichy Think You Should Put Your Relationship Before Your Kids

Erin and Abe Lichy have been married for thirteen years, which in modern relationship terms makes them ancient wisdom keepers. The hosts of Come Together have navigated four pregnancies, household management, career changes, and the particular challenge of staying attracted to someone you’ve seen at their absolute worst—multiple times.

Their advice isn’t revolutionary, but it’s honest in a way that cuts through the Instagram-perfect marriage content that dominates the discourse. When the divorce rate hovers around 50 percent, maybe what we need isn’t another couples’ retreat or communication workshop—maybe we need people who admit that marriage is hard work and share the actual tactics that keep them from killing each other.

“You need to put ‘the oxygen mask’ on the relationship. It’s so easy for a relationship to fall apart. It’s not difficult. But if you are prioritizing fun and enjoyment and the things that made you like each other to begin with, you’ll be okay,” Erin says.

They put each other before their kids

Erin and Abe are firm—for the most part—when a listener asks: Do you put your relationship first or the kids first? In a culture obsessed with child-centered families, they insist on prioritizing their marriage over their children’s needs, within reason of course. “If your kid is sick and you have a dinner plan, you cancel the dinner and you take care of the kid,” Erin clarifies.

It sounds selfish until you realize what they’re actually saying: A strong marriage creates a foundation for everyone else in the family. Children benefit from seeing their parents model a healthy relationship more than they benefit from being the center of the universe. We know a few nepo babies who could have benefited from this parenting approach.

Who should do the chores in a relationship?

Both, duh. “Absolutely divide chores,” Erin says, adding how dividing chores can sometimes happen naturally between couples. But other times you may need to talk it through. (Erin recommends a book called Rattled about dividing chores for parents.)

When it comes to hiring help, consider delegating and offloading work that is not your area of expertise. “If you can afford it, a cleaner is a huge value,” says Abe, adding that it’s all about knowing your priorities. On the weekends, the Lichys prefer to be with their kids and not have anyone at the house. 

“On the weekends, we are constantly cleaning up after the kids,” he says. “It’s a lot of work.”

Can you have sex during pregnancy?

For pregnant women who are worried about hurting the baby during intercourse, sex during pregnancy is completely normal and will not harm the baby—as long as all the other things during your pregnancy are otherwise healthy. That said, be cautious and look out for signs during and after sex like cramping, heavy bleeding, or contractions. Abe also encourages couples to try out different sex positions while pregnant, which can help you reach an orgasm. 

For women, don’t shame yourself if your desire for sex has changed. During her four pregnancies, Erin shares that her sex drive changed for each one. “If you’re in a dry spell, it’s okay. Just tell your husband, boyfriend, or partner to deal with it,” Erin says. 

Navigating different parenting styles 

While different parenting styles can create conflict and tension, it can also be a good thing to balance each other’s differences. Erin says they switch it up between who is the good cop and who is the bad cop, but it works because they communicate first. 

“It’s important to have a conversation about your different parenting styles and not judge the other one,” Abe explains. “Accept it and have an open conversation about it.” Abe adds.

The approach requires ego-checking—you can’t undermine your partner in front of the children just because you disagree with their methods. But it also means you don’t have to parent identically to parent effectively.

Fight smart, not perfect

Disagreements in a relationship are inevitable. In those moments when emotions are high and there’s a disconnect between partners, Erin says, “You have to wait. Take a step back. Wait until your kids are sleeping, and then have a conversation about it,” Erin says.

But they also believe children should witness some disagreements so that they can learn to be better communicators. Don’t hide every hard discussion out of protection: Children need to see that people can disagree and work through problems without the relationship ending.

Erin and Abe Lichy’s take on cheating

There’s different types of cheating, from full-on infidelity to emotional cheating. Abe and Erin are not sure which of the two are worse. For his part, Abe says he wouldn’t divorce Erin if she cheated on him: “I would be heartbroken, and it would be f****** up, but it depends. It depends if it’s a one-time fling with some rando or something else,” Abe explains. 

On the controversial side, Erin says cheating, in some rare instances, could revive a relationship: “If the relationship was dead, cheating might revive it. In a situation where one partner doesn’t touch you, look at you, talk to you—then an affair revives the spark. There are instances, dare I say, where cheating could be good.”

Finding balance with work, marriage, and kids 

The Lichys admit they’re still figuring out balance. Erin admits she rarely has any time for beauty or skincare. But she says it’s essential to find time for the things that make you your best self: “I do absolutely nothing. I don’t even have time to get a facial. But for me, exercise keeps me at peak level.” 

Their solution is to get up before everyone else and take care of yourself first. They wake up at 6 a.m. every day and work out together. “That mental clarity and the time to yourself set the tone for your entire day” Abe says. “Everything flows from that.”