Is Being Nice Ruining Your Life?

People pleasers understand the feeling of putting everybody else’s needs above their own. It’s almost like an obligation to give, even if it drains them in the long run. If your relationships are spoiling faster than milk and leaving you stressed, you might be dealing with something called “toxic generosity.”

“People will take freely from you all day. People will take your effort and energy from you all day,” explains Nicole Walters on Tell Me More (fka The Nicole Walters Podcast). “It’s up to you to put an end to it. Stick to your boundaries and give from your overflow, not from your bare minimum.”

You don’t have to constantly prove your worth through endless giving. But breaking this pattern requires recognizing when generosity becomes toxic—and why you keep allowing it to happen.

What is toxic generosity?

Toxic generosity isn’t about being kind or helpful. It’s about giving more than you should to people who don’t deserve it, often at your own expense. “It is essentially that you are doing too much, for too little, for people who do not deserve it,” she says.

Walters admits she is guilty of this pattern both personally and professionally. She explains, “I will sign clients, I will work with friends, and I even have family members…I am all in for people. If you are in my circle, I will ride for you.” 

Whether it’s her Scorpio energy or Type A personality, Walters has repeatedly found herself bending her boundaries to help people who don’t reciprocate the effort. 

How it hurts relationships

When you go “all in” for people who aren’t all in for you, they learn to expect more, do less, or expect you to accommodate their changing circumstances without adjusting their own behavior. 

Toxic generosity is a catalyst for a cyclically toxic relationships. Walters says she eventually hit a wall of burnout and resentment. “You are toxically generous. You are poisoning your life by having these people in it who take from you to no end and don’t have to meet you where you are,” she explains.

How to put an end to toxic generosity: It starts with boundaries

The uncomfortable truth about toxic generosity is that it’s often driven by our own insecurities and unmet needs. Are you trying to prove your worth? Earn love through service? Avoid conflict at all costs?

Walters’ therapist gave her some tough love: Every person is responsible for the toxic generosity they give off. “You allow it. That’s where you are at fault. You are permitting this behavior,” Walters says. When you consistently say yes when you mean no, you’re teaching people how to treat you.

The solution isn’t to become selfish or stop helping people altogether. It’s about recognizing your own agency in these dynamics.

Here’s how to recognize—and break—the pattern:

• What pattern keeps repeating in my relationships?
• Where am I responsible for allowing this behavior?
• What am I trying to prove through my generosity?
• What am I really chasing—love, validation, control?

The key is learning to set boundaries and communicate expectations early. “Stick to your contract (professional or social), and do what you say you are going to do—no less, no more,” Walters advises.

When you show up for people, they need to meet you halfway. If they don’t, that tells you everything you need to know about the relationship. Listen when people show you who they are. If you see red flags, don’t ignore them hoping your generosity will change the dynamic. That gut feeling is almost never wrong.