Our Ex’s Most Unhinged Excuses for Breaking Up

A breakup can be amicable. But others are a masterclass in emotional warfare. If there’s one thing most people can agree on, it’s this: At some point in your romantic history, an ex has said something so jaw-droppingly asinine that it left you speechless—or screaming into your steering wheel.

Let’s start with a few real horror stories, shall we?

In one case, a woman dared to express ambition in her career. Her ex’s response? “Isn’t that a little bit much?” Imagine telling a woman to dim her light because the wattage threatens you.

Then there’s the man who subjected his girlfriend to a self-designed “stress test” over a long weekend just to see how she’d react in tough situations…and then dumped her immediately after. Sounds like a sociological experiment run by an underqualified idiot.

Perhaps the worst story of all? A 40-something who confessed to his partner feelings for a 16-year-old “female Aquarius,” managing to combine statutory concerns with astrological nonsense in a single admission.

If you’re cringing, you’re not alone. Madi Murphy, host of The Bad Broadcast, just did an entire episode on this topic called “Big Fat Liars,” cataloging the most outrageous breakup justifications her listeners have encountered.

“I only slept with her because I felt bad for her.”

Yep. The centerpiece of Madi’s episode was a story of a listener whose boyfriend justified his infidelity by claiming, “I only had sex with her because I felt really bad for her.” As Madi deadpanned, “He’s just doing charity work, okay? He’s an empath. That’s the problem.”

The episode was packed with listener submissions that ranged from absurd to deeply manipulative:

• “I downloaded Tinder just to troll people and pretend to be gay.”
  
• “My coworker’s heels? I use them to change lightbulbs.”
  
• “She telepathically told me I could cheat.”
  
• “I got chlamydia from pink eye.” (Madi fact-checked that one: not possible.)

Then there were the technological scapegoats. One guy claimed his cheating wasn’t real because his “voice was Photoshopped.” Another said a sexting exchange was just his buddies playing a prank by stealing his phone. And let’s not forget the guy who swore his friend was his “porn accountability partner.”

Maybe the most facepalm-worthy? “It just slipped in a few times.” As Madi joked, “He tripped. And she was lying there spread eagle. And his erect penis broke his fall.”

The lies may be dumb—but the damage is real

Sure, these lines are ridiculous. But that doesn’t mean the aftermath isn’t real. Madi opened up about her own experience with heartbreak and divorce, explaining how betrayals—no matter how absurd—can reshape how you see the world.

“Let yourself be changed,” she said. “Let yourself become stronger, smarter, and maybe a little sassier. You earned it.”

So what can you do when your soon-to-be ex starts spewing Grade-A nonsense?

1. Stop playing therapist.

You’re not responsible for decoding delusion or rehabilitating their relationship with the truth. If they think STDs come from pink eye or that a vacuum gave them that hickey, let them figure it out—with someone else.

2. Save the receipts.

Screenshots aren’t just for gossip—they’re for closure. And sometimes, for future court proceedings.

3. Trust your gut, not their excuses.

If something feels off, it probably is. People don’t trip and fall directly into another person’s private parts. That’s not how gravity—or accountability—works.

4. Exit with dignity, not drama.

You don’t need to match their chaos with chaos. Let them spiral. You stay graceful, glowing, and gone.

5. Rewrite the narrative.

Madi said it best: “All you gotta do is get so deviously betrayed and bamboozled one time to change the entire trajectory of your relationships.” Use the pain. Build the plot twist.Because the truth is, while people may lie, dodge, deflect, and deny, the real power lies in what you do next. So whether your ex told you they cheated for charity or tried to convince you that your intuition was “just hormones,” remember: You don’t need an apology. You need a glow-up.