How Marriage Changes After Having a Baby and Why That’s Okay

Life has been hectic for the Lichys lately. From the chaos of moving to a new home, to the grief of losing a parent, to having a new baby, Erin and Abe Lichy, cohosts of Come Together, have been juggling a lot. Their journey, although hard, has brought them closer together as a couple, and now they’re ready to share a few quick life updates and some advice. 

On a recent episode of Come Together, the couple answers listener questions and shares what life is like with their four kids Levi, Layla, Elijah, and their newest son, Jack Hunter Lichy, who was born on March 30. They are getting real about their marriage post-baby and what sex and intimacy looks like with a newborn added to the mix.

How to stay a couple after becoming parents 

Having a child is a huge life change that not only impacts you, but also the dynamics between you and your partner. Marriage post-baby is bound to look different than before you had kids. After the baby arrives, you might be wondering, “Where did the romance go?”

Erin explains that it is totally normal for both parents to lose the romance in their relationship for a few months after giving birth (and sometimes longer). “You just had a kid. Especially for the mother, the attention is going to be on the baby. It’s tough at the beginning because it is a bit of a shock,” he explains.

The key is to be patient with your partner—specifically men. “Tell your husband to be patient with you. Because I think most of the time the guy gets more impatient with the physical aspect of the relationship,” Erin adds.

Getting back to intimate time with your partner post baby

Marriage post-baby isn’t the only thing that changes—sex and intimacy does too. Once you are cleared by the doctor to get back into the sack post-baby, you should be all good to go, right? Not so fast. The reality is sex might still hurt, and it’s important to take things slow. 

So how do you get back into your sex life post baby? Erin reveals she is three and a half months postpartum (when she recorded this episode), and she admits it still hurts. “I think it takes time, and it’s different for each pregnancy. It takes a while for your body to get back into normal function.”

Your best bet, according to Erin, is oral sex. But if you want to have true intimacy through penetration, you can try oral sex first and end with a short amount of intimacy. “Take your time. Oral is your friend. You don’t have to have penetration start to finish,” she adds. 

Advice for getting through the lows of long-term relationships

After 12 years of marriage and four kids, Erin says she has learned the key to dealing with the lows of marriage comes down to one thing, acceptance. “Just know that it’s low and accept that it’s going to be low sometimes,” she says.

Abe adds that if one partner has more of a social life than the other, you need to change that dynamic. Both partners should have their own things going on—hobbies, friend groups, new skills they’re learning. “The more you empower yourself as an individual, the healthier the relationship will be. The lows are typically when you are on top of each other too much and crowding each other’s space,” he explains.

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