How To Get Past Small Talk And Form Real Connections

It’s hard to make friends as an adult. And even when you do hit it off with someone promising, bridging the gap from surface-level acquaintance to meaningful friendship and connection requires a skill set many have forgotten.

Kate Terentieva, creator of Off The Record, says our digital lifestyle is partly to blame. “We’re spending so much time on screen and we’re totally connected to other people,” she said on With Whit, “but it feels like we’re so increasingly disconnected from the real people in our real world. There’s some sort of comfort level gap, and I think even now with how much screen time we’re spending, I would argue that it’s also a social skills gap that we totally didn’t have prior to phones.”

Off The Record, an icebreaker game specifically designed to help people feel closer to one another and accelerate human connection, is meant to combat that. “It’s a gamified way of helping you make that transition so that you are fully empowered to have a conversation that’s deeper,” Terentieva says.

Here’s how to break through the small talk barrier, according to Terentieva:

Don’t Be Defensive

Before working on her social anxiety, Terentieva admits she used to feel “immediately defensive” before going into a new conversation. “I was like, ‘Oh my God,’ what if they’re going to talk about something and we don’t agree?’ And it’s like, we haven’t even started the conversation.”

The breakthrough came when she realized conversations aren’t debates to be won. “Conversations aren’t just like talking and giving each other dialogue, it’s also creating a safe space for one another to share,” she says. “There’s certain things I can’t control. I certainly can’t control somebody else’s lived experiences and where they’re coming from.”

If you’re nervous that deep conversations can feel loaded or awkward, Terentieva encourages you to remember, “Everybody has a different opinion and different perspectives. We’re not coming into this conversation to change anything, we’re just hearing each other out.”

Be Honored

“Anyone sharing anything with you, that’s kind of an honor,” Terentieva says. When someone reveals something personal, they’re offering you a rare form of trust. “Feeling open to share with you,” Terentieva says, isn’t something that happens every day. “It’s an honor to receive information from someone about themselves, because of how often we choose not to do that.” Recognizing and respecting this vulnerability creates a reciprocal space for a deeper connection.

Pay Attention to Your Body Language

You might be asking, but where did we go wrong? “Nonverbal cues and body language got so much affected by us being physically isolated from one another in COVID. You’re not there developing that really important cornerstone of conversation, the non-verbal stuff and the body language and the reading of energies. In some ways, I feel like we’re coming out of a dark age and kind of relearning how to communicate,” Terentieva says.

The internet is full of body language tips that can help improve connection. A couple of our favorites from this list include: mimicking the other person’s body language, avoiding crossing your arms, and pivoting your whole body towards them so you know they have your full attention.

Ask Good Questions

The whole point of Off The Record is to give people jumping off points that facilitate deep conversations. Here are a few of the best conversation starters that Whit and Kate discussed, and why we think they really work.

“Describe your safe space.”

This question is great because it puts the other person in a happy place. It allows them to think about somewhere they feel at ease, and therefore feel a bit more at ease talking to you.

“Who are your dream celebrity parents?”

This question tells you a lot more about your conversation partner than you might realize. The celebs that they pick show you what they focus on in pop culture. It also may reveal some tidbits about their real-life parents.

“What are some of your biggest fears around friendships?”

This is a great question because it shows that you understand that friendships aren’t always easy. It also allows your conversation partner to open up about things in their past if they want to, but it doesn’t require them to do so if they’re not ready.