Are Meltdowns A Sign Of Bad Parenting? Science Says They’re Normal

Parenting looks a lot like walking a fine tightrope—you love your kids, but you’re teetering on the brink of a meltdown. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart, but the beautiful moments are worth holding onto, especially when things get hard.

Meltdowns and temper tantrums suck. Something about watching your child melt into a puddle of emotions is triggering, and parents can often feel helpless in the moment. Burn down the narrative that you are failing. Do whatever you need to do to pick yourself up and help your child regulate.

Why do temper tantrums happen?

If your child’s temper tantrums leave you feeling like you’re doing something wrong, it’s time to flip that script. It’s not defiance—Science paints a different and more comprehensive picture. Babies and toddlers don’t have a fully formed brain like adults. Since your child’s brain is not fully developed, they cannot access logical thinking.

“Here’s what is wild. Your child’s tantrum is not a reflection of your failure. It’s a reflection of their developing brain doing exactly what it’s supposed to do,” says host Deena Margolin on a recent episode of After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings.

The part of the brain that is responsible for logic, problem solving, and impulse control—the prefrontal cortex—is under construction until your mid to late 20s. During a meltdown, the part of a child’s brain that is responsible for emotion, the amygdala, is lit up. The reality is they are flooded with emotions and often cannot think logically—a perfect storm for an emotional outburst.

Why old school parenting tactics are failing our kids—and what to do instead

A common misconception that parents think is feeling like if they were a better parent, they could control their child. Old school parenting tactics focused a lot on controlling and squelching emotions, especially the hard, less desirable ones.

“I forget that it is not my job to control it. It’s not my job to end it or fix it. That control piece is so strong and deeply ingrained. I am trying to control another human being. My husband has tantrums, and I can’t control him. Why on Earth would I think because this human is tiny that I should control them?” says co-host, Kristin Gallant.

Other common old school parenting tactics in the face of a meltdown are to give a punishment. The important thing to remember is your kid is doing the best with the tools they have and it’s part of brain development. Have some grace—for yourself and your child.

Margolin adds, “Your child is not broken and neither are you. You have just been handed a parenting script rooted in shame, control and silence. We are here to burn it to the ground.”

How to raise kids who don’t have to unlearn their feelings

As parents, the goal is to help your child build the skills to have a better reaction and behavior overall. There is a difference between regulating emotions and suppressing them.

“You learned to suppress, disconnect from your body, fear your own feelings or shove them down in order to avoid punishment. Brains cannot learn in a fear state,” Margolin explains.

When you help your child regulate, you are—in many ways—reparenting yourself and learning not to shove your feelings aside.

Margolin gives kudos to the younger generation of parents who are learning to process emotions and teaching their kiddos to do the same. “What if we raised kids, who from day one, knew ‘My feelings are safe. My parent can handle them, and I can handle them too,” she says. What a wonderful world that would be.