Why Is Maternity Leave So Complicated? And Why Is Asking for Time Off So Weird?

Here’s something that might surprise you: What we call “maternity leave” is actually a combination of different laws—medical leave, family leave, disability benefits—that vary dramatically depending on where you live.

Daphne Delvaux, known as The Mamattorney, discovered this when her own employer didn’t understand California’s maternity laws. She ended up researching the policies herself, presenting them to her boss, and essentially became the template for other moms like herself.

Now she educates mothers about their workplace rights because, as she learned firsthand, most women have no idea what they’re actually entitled to. The information gap isn’t accidental.  

Maternity laws vary from state to state

Delvaux says that maternity rights boil down to “the zip code lottery”—where you live determines how much time you get, whether any of it’s paid, and how long you get to spend with your baby before the pressure to return to work starts creeping in.

When Delvaux hears people say there’s no paid leave in America, she disagrees. The truth is women just don’t know their rights and their state’s policies. Several states—California, Massachusetts, Washington D.C., New Jersey, New York, and Washington—actually have progressive policies that compete with international standards. “We just need to look at the templates here and create a federal policy based on that,” Delvaux says, adding that the challenge is also in knowing what already exists.

Like motherhood, Delvaux says leave can be confusing and mystical. Employers aren’t particularly motivated to educate employees about their rights because it does not benefit the company (which is a separate issue and another story for another day).

Why is asking for time off so weird?

Delvaux explains that asking for leave can be awkward because you’re essentially asking for time away from work while expecting job protection. Most benefits come from the government, not the employer, but companies still need to manage coverage when an employee asks to take time off. A mom might feel guilt and shame for asking for her rights.

Delvaux understands this tension: “She may really care about her career and want to stay integrated. She is in a place of tension of wanting to take care of herself and her baby while also not losing what she has built in her career.”

Delvaux explains that many women often reach a state of resentment by not communicating their needs to employers. “Mothers push themselves to the point where they quit and take themselves out of the workforce,” she says. “There is a lot more we can do when we are creative and we trust ourselves and our employers. It’s essential that we build bridges with our employers and are transparent about where we are at.”

Here’s how to navigate the conversation

Delvaux admits that it can be hard to speak up about your pregnancy, especially if you are in the middle of a project or up for a promotion and you don’t want to jeopardize things. But she says advocacy is key. “Women have to start advocating for themselves right away from the moment they are pregnant,” she says. “We have to harness and practice that skill. If we wait, it creates tension in our own bodies, and we give our employers less time to prepare.”

When talking to HR or your manager, stop using the term “maternity leave.” Instead, ask about your rights under your state’s Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) or applicable local laws.

Delvaux explains: “It’s a combination of different leave laws that make up maternity leave. It’s confusing and frustrating. There is no law that is called maternity leave. When you ask for maternity leave, you’re not asking for anything.”

As for her recommended approach, Delvaux says to breathe and remind yourself of your power in being a mother. Remove the emotion and prepare thoroughly, then present a clear plan. Be specific about your timeline, return-to-wrk goals, and how your responsibilities will be managed. Frame the conversation around business rather than your personal needs. Communicate in a way that presents a plan that is beneficial to their bottom line.

Rights you might not know about

Delvaux educates women during pregnancy to consider asking for workplace accommodations so it feels less challenging. Examples include flexible schedules for morning sickness and doctor visits, remote work options, or adjusted responsibilities. You’re also entitled to medical elave if you experience pregnancy loss (up to 12 weeks with medical documentation in many states, sometimes more).

But communication gaps create problems on both sides. Many women assume they have no options for pregnancy loss and end up working through the grief. When expectations aren’t clearly communicated, employees and employers end up frustrated and resentful on both sides.

Whether you’re a mother or not, you likely have more protections than you realize—you just need to understand what they’re called and how to request them properly.

To learn more about your rights in the workplace as a mom and how to ask for more flexibility, tune into With Whit and check out Delaux’s all-in-one maternal resource at Liberated Mother Society.