Is Your Attachment Style Sabotaging Your Dating Life? 

Ever wonder why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners? The pattern likely connects to your attachment style—how you approach relationships and intimacy based on early life experiences.

In a recent episode of Barely Filtered, host Aurora Culpo sits down with dating and relationship expert Sabrina Zohar about how understanding attachment styles can transform your dating life. 

“Everybody thinks they’re a snowflake in dating and that they’re so unique, but psychology and neuroscience are pretty universal,” Zohar explains. “We all have a brain and nervous system. It’s about understanding and validating our experiences and taking full accountability of how we show up in our adult relationships.”

Get ready to lean into emotional availability, show up unapologetically in life and dating, learn tips for building authentic connections, and how to truly come home to yourself.

Why It’s Important to Understand Your Attachment Style 

While attachment theory has become trendy online, it’s often misunderstood. Culpo shares that in her three-year marriage she did not know about attachment styles or their impact on relationships. 

As Zohar says, “We have a warped view of what attachment styles are and what they actually mean. I love attachment styles to understand ourselves. I really want to rein it back into understanding, ‘How does neuroscience and the psychology of all of this manifest in how you behave?’”

This self-awareness reveals patterns we might otherwise miss. Zohar, for example, says that growing up, her dad used money to control: “My dad would give and take and give and take. So I learned I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t worthy of someone spending on me. Now, I struggle to receive someone that spends a lot on me.”

Let Go of Your ‘Type’

Zohar encourages Culpo and listeners to be less rigid about their “list” of dating requirements. Why? Being too specific about what you want might be limiting your options. Instead of requiring a certain income or height, Zohar suggests focusing on deeper qualities. 

Ask yourself: What traits are you looking for? What kind of life do you want to build? How are we both motivated to get there?

Authenticity and depth are critical in a relationship. Zohar says, “If I want a relationship, I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. I want to feel safe with this person and feel like there’s reciprocity. There’s consistency. You could lose everything else, but you’re not going to lose that part of that person,” Zohar says.

Find Someone Who Supports Your Evolution

When Culpo started dating her now ex-husband, she was a kindergarten teacher and worked with kids on the autism spectrum. When her career shifted, he became frustrated with her success. 

“I started being more public and building the podcast. I am happier than ever, and I am making more money than ever. But he was like, ‘This is not what I signed up for. You are not allowed to change.”

Zohar encourages women to look for a man who is confident and growth-minded: “I want you to be with someone who is confident in themselves. They shouldn’t make you uncomfortable with the success you have achieved.”

Moral of the story: Dating someone whose attachment style is secure isn’t a requirement, but they should be growth-minded. “You have to find someone who is secure within themselves so that you can shine bright,” Zohar says. “They don’t feel like they have to push you off the pedestal so the lights hit them.”

Why You’re Attracting the Wrong People

When it comes to dating, Zohar says it’s important to show up for yourself. Choose yourself more than your need to be loved by someone else. This is when you will attract someone who is secure.

“You want someone who says, ‘I do have shortcomings. I do want to work on that. You mean a lot to me. I’m willing to work on it.’ That right there is a secure and healthy relationship,” Zohar says.

If you are attracting emotionally unavailable partners, it’s important to look at yourself first. You, too, may be emotionally unavailable. Chasing after emotionally unavailable people is a repetition compulsion, the idea that you will date a person who reflects the unhealed parts of you. 

As Zohar explains: “Your nervous system believes, ‘I have to earn it. I have to work for it. Just stuff it down and do what you need to do.’ The safety of these emotionally unavailable guys is because you don’t actually have to show parts of yourself. You don’t have to be as vulnerable. They won’t reject you for who you are. You can just keep playing a game and go after them.”

When you better understand your attachment style, set boundaries, and show up unapologetically, Zohar says, “that’s when you start choosing yourself more than the need to be chosen by other people.”