Tana Mongeau Revisits the Chaos That Made Her—And the Calm She’s Finally Found

Tana Mongeau has never been the type to sit still in a single era—something she proves again on Not Skinny But Not Fat in a surprisingly grounded conversation with host Amanda Hirsch. At age 27, the longtime internet firecracker looks back on a life that’s unfolded at triple speed. The chaotic Vegas upbringing, meteoric YouTube rise, viral controversies, public breakups, rehab-level drinking, and a party-girl persona she once believed was essential to her success. Now sober (California sober, she clarifies), stable, and embracing what she calls her “brand-safe era,” Mongeau talks openly about the decisions that shaped her—from veneers she regrets to relationships that taught her everything to the rock bottoms that forced her to wake up.

Tana Mongeau Reflects on the Years That Nearly Broke Her

Below are highlights from the conversation, adapted from Not Skinny But Not Fat.

How do you reflect on the Bella Thorne era, the Mod Sun triangle, and the chaos that followed?

“I slid into her DMs…I tweeted, ‘I want to date Bella Thorne next,’ and it was kind of just me joking around, but also like I was down, you know, and she responded and we met up and it kind of just whirlwinded. She did so much for me as a human. I learned a lot from her. I was still living in Vegas when we met and she was kind of the person who was like, ‘You should move to LA and take this more seriously’…She was at her height of fame at the time and she would walk into a room and every single person would turn their heads…she was very polarizing and just also beautiful and just captivating and I think that I learned a lot about commanding a room and being that b*tch…

…And obviously it’s hard to give attention to two people across a relationship, you know, I mean…then obviously we dated after [Mongeau and Mod Sun]. It was almost we hated each other until the relationship was over, and then that almost brought us together being like, ‘Hey, what the f*ck was that, right?’ It was good. It was really, really great. He’s a really great person. He taught me a lot about life and it was also in my music era, so he was helping me a lot with that and stuff, which is funny to look back on…He’s an amazing person and so funny and like so sweet and so smart and just like he’s really great.”

Why did you get sober, and what were the real rock bottoms that pushed you there?

“There were several rock bottoms. I mean, it was a long time coming. It was one of those things where I was wrestling with sobriety and knowing I needed to be sober…I’m over a year sober…I really had to get to a point where I took a long look in the mirror and I was like, ‘You are going to lose everything you love. You are going to lose the people you love.

You’re going to lose this career that you worked hard for.’ I mean…I see alcohol now and I’m genuinely repulsed…

…I was drinking so much. I was partying in LA for so long and the party girl image was so ingrained into who I was…I did not think I would be worth it or interesting to watch or that I would have a successful career or that I could have fun or that I’d be likable or so many different things if I wasn’t partying…I don’t think I was ever addicted to cocaine. I just think that when you love to drink and you love the bender and you love to party, cocaine is a great best friend to that, you know what I mean?”

Why did you cut off your parents—and how has that shaped the person you are today?

“Well, so Amari, my best friend, his family, they took me in around [age 13] and they are who I look at as like my family. They have been there for me through everything and through all the holidays and just all of the amazing things…I definitely had a lot of needs that weren’t being met and thank God I met this crazy boy who loved me so much that he took me into a home that was meeting a lot of my needs, you know…

…[My childhood was a] very insane roller coaster of narcissistic abuse…it was a lot of push and pull, and it wasn’t until I was 21, 22 that I cut them off completely when they sued me for slander for talking about my childhood…It was the most, one of the most traumatic moments, periods of time in my life. And I think that honestly led to a lot of my later problems like alcoholism and stuff…

…I had to break no contact for some stuff that was going on. And it was the first time I’d spoken to them in like 5 or 6 years. That was very traumatic, obviously, but like I’m at a point now where I feel nothing but empathy for them and almost like sadness. I feel very sad for them. I think that they’re two very broken people.

My dad was in the Vietnam War. He came out of the Vietnam War. My mom grew up in kind of an abusive household, and then she kind of just carried that into a series of marriages and men throughout her life, and I think that she never had the courage to stand up or be brave or get out of this situation and you know what I mean? My dad had a lot of PTSD and was very abusive and, you know, just it was, I feel very sad for both of them.”

How did fame actually happen for you?

“I was always really wild, a wild child…From a very young age, I knew my parents were unfit to raise me. And so that showed in my behavior and just how I was in school and how I was in life and that created for a lot of stuff. It wasn’t that I was yearning for fame. It was that I was a YouTube kid. Like I grew up watching a lot of YouTube. When I first discovered YouTube and YouTubers and YouTube videos, it damn near saved my life. Being able to escape my abusive household for f*cking 10 minutes a day to watch someone else’s life and forget about my own…

And so as I ended up getting older and crazier, I guess I was just like, ‘Why don’t I try this,’ you know, because I wasn’t passionate about anything. Frankly, I was suicidal. I didn’t want to be alive in the life that I was born into, you know, and I knew that if I wanted anything to happen for me in my life, I would have to make it happen for myself…

…And so I was working a minimum wage job and I was a high school dropout and I knew that that was going to be my future if I didn’t do something about it and I was passionate about YouTube. So I sat down and I started to tell my story…It was probably over like a six-month span that my life changed completely and forever…My stalker story was the first thing to ever blow up.”

What’s the truth about your stalkers and the OnlyFans era that intensified everything?

“I’ve had several stalkers now, and I almost think that I manifested it in a way…My first ever was a kid that was in my second grade class and then we ended up growing up together and he would like follow me to church group when I was a church leader and he just ended up like hacking into my stuff and being insane and he’s, he stayed in Vegas and he hasn’t done anything now and probably like 5 to 6 years, which is good. There were other things, like he thought we were dating and he would tell everyone we were kind of together and we loved each other…

…Then the most recent situation that is still active and I try to talk about it lightly came from, in my opinion, came from OnlyFans and that era and doing that…I was genuinely just monetizing my real life, ok? Like my tits were always out like, I was shaking a**. I was twerking. I was in the strip clubs. I was drunk. It made for some f*cking great content over there.”

Who is the boyfriend you met in Hawaii, and why do you believe he might be ‘the one’?

“We’re about to hit 2 years. He is perfect…We met in Hawaii…I didn’t know him yet, but I was just immediately so enamored. He’s so beautiful. I mean, I think in my head in the moment I was kind of like ‘I want to f*ck this hot surfer,’ right?…I wasn’t thinking like this is my husband…

…And then we all go out to a dinner and we get absolutely hammered and [my friend] is sitting behind me in this big wooden chair and he’s like rocking it and the peg of the chair goes through my toe and just like breaks my f*cking big toe and it was so awful and Makoa immediately just steps up to the plate. It’s like he doesn’t know me from anywhere, you know, we just met an hour ago and I was flirting with him. We had just kissed and I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is the biggest cock block ever.’ This f*cked up my vibe. Like I’m not getting laid tonight. I’m so over it. I have to go to the hospital in Hawaii. Like this man’s never gonna want me and I was such a turn off to have to go to the hospital…

But then he carried me around like the rest of the trip and he took care of me and he just like waited on me hand and foot that like just that’s who he is, that’s his character regardless and across that we just started to get to know each other. And I remember the moment it was probably like a week and a half and I was like, ‘Oh no, I’m not, I don’t want to just f*ck you. You’re amazing. You’re so romantic and you’re so intelligent and you’re so smart and you’re so calm and you’re everything that I’m not.’”

To listen to Tana Mongeau’s full conversation, listen to Not Skinny but Not Fat wherever you get your podcasts.

• Brianna LaPaglia Opens Up on ‘Live From Bed’ About the Year That Nearly Broke Her
• Gia Giudice Says ‘Special Forces’ Healed Her in Ways She Never Expected
• Jessi Draper Stole the Show in ‘Mormon Wives’ Season 3—Now She’s Answering Some of Your Biggest Questions