We’ve all made mistakes in our relationships. Sometimes, all it takes is one slip-up to mess things up. Other times, it’s not a little screw up but a BIG mistake, like cheating.
Let’s not sugarcoat it: we all agree cheating is wrong and can do more damage to a relationship than pretty much anything else. But . . . is infidelity always black and white? Let’s remember, of course cheating hurts the person who’s been, cheated on. But let’s not forget that the person who cheated. Yep, they’re hurting too.
If you’re the one who cheated, we see you. The aftermath of cheating can fill you with guilt, shame, and that persistent question: “How tf did I get here?!” You feel like you’re the villain in your own story, and it’s not exactly a role anyone wants to play. But, you need some self-compassion, this isn’t something you need to carry forever. It’s time to heal, guys!!!
So, this one is for all of you out there who cheated, have taken responsibility, and are ready to take steps forward. You still deserve to find the one. But, first, you need to forgive yourself. Here’s how:
How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating
Step 1: Acknowledge you cheated.
The first step to forgiving yourself for cheating is to be accountable for your actions. It’s not easy to look in the mirror and say, “Yup, I really messed up there.” But, pretending it didn’t happen or making excuses will make you stuck in a cycle of guilt.
Acknowledgment is the first step toward breaking that cycle of guilt and forgiving yourself. You made a mistake who hasn’t?! Rip off that bandaid and say it out loud, “I cheated, and it was wrong.” It’s time to stop beating yourself up and start asking, “What can I do to make sure I don’t end up here again?”
Speaking of accountability, if you need some examples of how others have taken accountability after cheating, you have to listen to “Confession Corner: REDDIT CHEATERS” by Almost Adulting.
Step 2: Figure out why you cheated.
Once you’ve said those three little words, “I was wrong,” you have to ask yourself another tough question: “Why did I do it in the first place?” No, this isn’t about blaming or beating yourself up. It helps you understand yourself better. You can’t fix what you don’t fully understand.
Maybe things in your relationship weren’t as peachy as they seemed, or perhaps it was an impulsive moment of weakness. Whatever the reason, you have to get to the root of why it happened. Were you feeling neglected? Did you feel disconnected from your partner? Or were you seeking validation in a way you didn’t even realize?
Figuring out why you cheated allows you to confront what was missing in your relationship (or within yourself). If you want to dive a little deeper into the nuances of cheating and why an otherwise pretty loyal person may cheat, listen to the We Met at Acme episode called Maybe Cheating Be Okay?
Step 3: Make things right with an honest apology.
Here’s where the rubber meets the road where you try to make things right. This means apologizing, truly and honestly. We know that facing your significant other after a betrayal like cheating is totally nerve-wracking. Saying sorry isn’t easy, especially when you’ve hurt someone you care about deeply. But you have to suck it up.
A genuine apology takes humility and shows emotional maturity. It’s a sign that you’re ready to move forward and take responsibility for your actions.
So spill your heart, share your regrets, and let them know you hear their hurt and want to earn their trust back. And don’t panic if they’re not ready to accept it yet. Your effort is what matters.
Step 4: Prepare to accept the outcome.
When you’ve been unfaithful, the ball isn’t just in your court anymore. Your partner might need time and space. Or, let’s face it, they might not be able to move past it at all. And we know that’s tough.
But, you have to prepare yourself for any outcome, whether it’s reconciliation or separation. You can’t control how someone else responds, but you can control how you handle what happens next.
Think about it. Would you want to stay with someone if the tables were turned? The answer is, most likely, NO! So, accept that their forgiveness is not a given, no matter how heartfelt your apology is.
Take some time to really think through various scenarios and how you’ll handle each one. Then, visualize yourself staying calm and composed on the tough calls.
Step 5: Cut ties with the person you cheated with.
If you want to truly forgive yourself and move on, you MUST cut ties with the person you cheated with. PERIOD!!!
We know they were fun in the moment, but that person you cheated with is totally off-limits from here on out. Block, delete, unfollow do whatever you need to do to remove all traces of them from your life so there’s no temptation to fall back into old habits. Once they’re out of sight, it makes it easier for them to be out of mind.
Cutting ties creates space for you (and your relationship, if that’s the goal) to actually move forward. Continuing any kind of relationship with the person you cheated with, whether friendship, flirty texts, or a follow on social media, is simply a recipe for disaster.
You don’t need that energy in your life anymore. That ship has sailed, sunk, and is buried at the bottom of the ocean where it belongs.
Step 6: Work through your feelings.
Working through your feelings after cheating isn’t just important; it’s everything. Forgiveness requires you to acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and then let them go. So bring on the ice cream, call up your girlies, and dive deep into reflecting on the guilt, shame, and sadness. Go through it all.
The emotions you carry after cheating are big, messy, and a total rollercoaster. But working through them will help you heal. Write in a journal, scream into a pillow, or listen to What We Said’s “I Cheated on My Boyfriend” episode for some emotional purging as they dish on their stories of infidelity. When you’re done, you’ll feel so free.
Step 7: Practice self-care.
You deserve to treat yourself with the same love and kindness you give others. Yes, you cheated. Yes, you made a mistake. That doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love, especially your own. It’s not selfish. It’s important. Besides, how can you truly forgive yourself if you’re still punishing yourself?
Self-care might look like a long, uninterrupted bubble bath with your favorite playlist, a hot yoga session to release all that negative energy, or even a solo movie night in your fave Didn’t Cry Today Pink Crewneck with a mountain of snacks. It could also be listening to some inspiring podcasts like the Him & Her episode on Intimacy, Self Love, Cheating, Confidence, Victimizing Yourself vs. Fueling Yourself, Adversity, and Expectations. Or You Are Not Your Mistakes from Trying Not to Care.
The point is that you need to nurture yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally to fully embrace forgiveness.
Step 8: Create support systems.
Forgiving yourself for cheating isn’t something you have to do by yourself. What you need is a strong support system. Your very own groupies to help you through the tricky emotional maze.
Our minds tend to be our worst enemies when we’re deep in guilt or shame. And, sometimes, the only way to pull yourself out of that spiral is to lean on people who love you unconditionally and keep it a real with you.
Whether it’s your besties, parents, a therapist, or even a mentor, having people in your corner who accept you unconditionally is crucial to your healing process. Don’t be afraid to lean on those people. Tell them what you’re going through, ask them to check in, and plan fun distractions together. Their positive reinforcement will keep your head high.
Step 9: Rebuild trust in yourself.
Cheating can make you question your judgment, values, and future. You might start to feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. But, just because you made one mistake doesn’t mean you’ve lost the ability to make good choices. In fact, learning from your past is how you become stronger and wiser.
Rebuilding trust in yourself takes time; there’s no doubt about that. You might feel a little unsure and doubtful at first, especially when you’re making new decisions in your relationships or your day-to-day life. But you have to trust those moments when you fall and can get back up, when you actively choose to be better.
To help speed up the process, listen to the episode of Trying Not to Care called Forgiving Yourself. Turning “I Should Have Known Better” to “Now I Know Better.” You need this one!
Step 10: Speak with a mental health professional.
Finding a therapist may seem extreme in this situation. But, sometimes, sorting through all the emotions of cheating guilt, regret, confusion is more than what your heart (or that group chat) can handle. And, you know what? That’s totally okay.
Seeking help doesn’t make you weak. It’s the total opposite. Accepting that you need expert guidance to move past what you’ve done shows that you’re not afraid to get vulnerable and do the work, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
Having an unbiased third party to vent to, get an objective perspective from, and give you tools to process those big feelings will ultimately help you forgive yourself.
Nobody’s perfect, so you can recover from your infidelity!
Cheating isn’t the cutest chapter in your story, but it doesn’t define you. You have to learn to forgive yourself.
Now, forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you’re giving yourself a free pass. It simply means you’re human, you made a mistake, and now you’re ready to own it, grow from it, and keep moving. So give yourself permission to feel, to reflect, and, most importantly, to heal.
To help you get through all of life’s messy moments, make sure to jump into our huge catalog of podcasts. Each one is hosted by an ultra-wide and ultra-relatable Dear Media celebrity that can seriously help you get through it all!
Remember, we’re all here for you and we’re all rooting for you!
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We’re rooting for you!