Les Alfred Says ‘Being Realistic’ Is Secretly Sabotaging You

Sometimes “being realistic” is just fear in a cute outfit. We slap it on our dreams like a safety helmet, but really? It’s bubble-wrapping our lives until they’re too padded to move.

On She’s So Lucky, host Les Alfred calls this out for what it is: self-sabotage dressed up as common sense. And once you start spotting the ways “realistic” thinking has been running your playbook, it’s hard to unsee.

Here’s where it shows up—and why it’s time to bench it.

You only count the bad stuff as real

You believe every red flag, rejection, or awful “what if” without hesitation, but the moment something good happens, you call it a fluke. Sound familiar?

“Now, the idea of being a little bit more delusional is not a new concept,” Alfred says. “And I don’t know if I necessarily love the idea that good things happening to us means we’re delusional. I think that also feeds into this concept that it’s unrealistic to have good experiences.”

In other words, you’re not delusional for getting the job, the relationship, the peace, the glow-up. You’re just finally experiencing the kind of joy your fear-brain has been muting. So start treating the good stuff like it counts. Evidence of joy is still evidence—even if your inner critic rolls its eyes.

You stay in jobs, cities, and relationships you’ve outgrown

You know that “meh” feeling? The one where everything technically looks fine, but feels like beige? That’s usually your sign.

“I had so many people say, ‘This is it. This is as good as your life is going to get,’” Alfred recalls of her first job out of college. “Even though it didn’t feel very good at all.” The company had just ended its pension program, and the city didn’t fit anymore, but everyone around her was cheering for her to stay put. That’s the trap: When you shrink your life to match other people’s expectations, you end up stuck in a version of yourself that no longer fits.

So what now? Trust your gut. If something feels off, that’s reason enough to explore what else is out there. Staying somewhere just because it once made sense—or because people told you it should—isn’t loyalty, it’s inertia..

You measure your potential by other people’s ceilings

Do you have a history of letting someone’s “That’s not realistic” become your limit? Their fear? Your blueprint. Their small goals suddenly become your north star.

“I had to come to a point where it was like—I don’t really care what other people are doing. I don’t care what other people think is realistic,” Alfred says. “That is measuring my own potential against other people’s definitions of what they believe is possible for them.”

Stop asking people with a six-foot ladder how to build your skyscraper. Your goals don’t need to make sense to anyone but you. Especially if they’ve never dreamed that big.

You wait for someone to do it first

You scroll and think, “That’s cool…but I couldn’t.” Why? Because they don’t look like you. Or they grew up differently. Or they had support you didn’t. So instead of letting their win expand your belief, you shrink yourself in comparison.

“If you’re waiting for somebody who mirrors your exact lived experience to inspire you to do anything, you might be waiting for a really long time,” Alfred points out. “Not everybody is going to have your exact same combination of experiences and want what you want.”

Maybe their resources, privileges, or networks gave them a head start. But that doesn’t mean your version isn’t still possible. Instead of writing yourself off, learn how to “take the meat and leave the bones,” as Alfred puts it. Grab the inspiration, skip the comparison.

You turn tiny annoyances into dealbreakers

You’re finally doing the thing. Then boom—a glitch. A late invoice, a rude email, a bad vibe. Suddenly, you’re spiraling and thinking, “Maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe it’s a sign.”But sometimes it’s just…a Tuesday.

“Let the small stuff be small stuff,” Alfred suggests. “Learn how to bounce back so it doesn’t get in the way of your next good opportunity or your next best thing.”

Tiny setbacks don’t mean you’re on the wrong path—they’re just part of having a path at all. When you expect everything to feel perfect all the time, you’ll end up quitting things that were actually working just because they felt uncomfortable for five minutes.

You act like opportunities are on clearance

You treat every good thing like it’s a flash sale. One shot, one chance, one lucky break. So you play small to keep it, obsess over it, or compete with people you don’t even know for something that might be yours. That mindset isn’t instinct. It’s scarcity conditioning.

“There’s no finite cap of good things that are available in the world,” Alfred says. “Even though that’s what we’ve been programmed to believe—especially as women.”

When you believe the good stuff is limited, you make desperate choices. You settle for less, cling too tight, or view other people as threats instead of proof that success is possible. But there’s enough room at the table. And if there’s not? Build a bigger damn table.More will come. You just have to believe you’re allowed to have it.

Reality check? It’s yours to rewrite

“Being realistic” might sound wise, but half the time, it’s just fear with a rebrand. And the more you dress your dreams down to make them acceptable, the less chance they have to actually live.

Alfred isn’t saying throw strategy out the window. She’s saying stop confusing self-protection with self-trust. So if your goals have been feeling too big, too bold, or too out-there lately…good. That’s how you know they’re actually yours.

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