‘Shrekking’ is the Latest Dating Travesty, ‘Girls Gotta Eat’ Explains

There’s a new word making the rounds in the world of modern dating—and it’s as chaotic as it sounds. It’s called “Shrekking,” and yes, it’s inspired by everyone’s favorite animated ogre, Shrek. The idea? That dating someone “less attractive” will somehow lead to a happier, more stable relationship because they’ll treat you better.

On Girls Gotta Eat, hosts Rayna Greenberg and Ashley Hesseltine take on the trend by breaking down where the term came from, why it’s catching on, and why it’s a total trap for anyone still clinging to the myth that “ugly equals safe.”

“The idea is that you settle for someone less attractive because you think they’ll treat you better since they’re out of your league,” Greenberg explains. It’s the kind of logic that sounds comforting after one too many heartbreaks—but it’s also a convenient illusion that lets bad behavior hide behind low expectations.

‘Shrekking’ is the Latest Dating Travesty, ‘Girls Gotta Eat’ Explains

The flawed logic behind Shrekking

The concept of “Shrekking” took off after a New York Post article described it as “dating down and settling for ugly partners,” but warned it might actually ruin your love life (or, as they put it, “dating a troll can take its toll”). The underlying belief, Hesseltine notes, is that someone who feels “lucky” to have you will automatically try harder. However, that assumption doesn’t hold up in real life.

“There’s no guarantee that someone less conventionally attractive is going to treat you better,” Hesseltine says. “Confidence and kindness aren’t tied to looks. If they were, dating would be a lot simpler.”

The hosts even reference their audience poll, which found that almost 100 percent of respondents agreed there’s no link between attractiveness and how someone treats you. “A nice person is going to treat you well no matter what they look like,” Greenberg notes.

So why do so many people fall into the “Shrekking” trap? According to the hosts, it’s rooted in a kind of reverse dating anxiety—the idea that “settling” makes you safer from heartbreak. But as they point out, “you can’t outsmart emotional unavailability by lowering your standards.”

When confidence meets delusion

The hosts ask the question that’s been quietly living rent-free in everyone’s head: Do ugly men know they’re ugly?

“It’s assuming they know,” Hesseltine says. “And nothing is more common than a man who just thinks he’s the best when he’s so mediocre.” Greenberg laughs in agreement, adding that there’s a big difference between confidence and delusion—and a lot of men are living in the latter.

“Dating down doesn’t mean you’re going to get treated better,” Hesseltine explains. “Sometimes it just means you’re signing up for a guy who’s both broke and mean.”

Why “dating down” isn’t the same as having standards

So what does “having standards” actually mean? Greenberg points out that there’s a significant difference between values—such as humor, ambition, kindness—and conditions, like height, salary, or jawline symmetry. “You can want someone ambitious without demanding they make a certain amount,” Greenberg says. “That’s a value, not a condition.”

Hesseltine agrees, noting that money, looks, and status can all disappear overnight. “Those things aren’t who someone is at their core,” she says. “The goal isn’t to lower your bar—it’s to make sure the bar is measuring the right things.”

In other words, “Shrekking” misses the point. It frames relationships as a math problem—subtract attractiveness, add effort—when love has never been about equations.

The real lesson behind “Shrekking”

Ultimately, the “Shrekking” mindset is just another version of fear disguised as logic. You can’t protect yourself from pain by choosing partners who seem “safe” on paper, and you can’t manifest love by negotiating against your own self-worth.

“If you’re going to date someone,” Greenberg says, “make sure you actually like them. Don’t do it because you think they’ll worship you.”

The upshot, then, isn’t to stop “Shrekking”—it’s to stop settling. Because no matter how the internet tries to rebrand it, love has never been about picking someone beneath you. It’s about finding someone who meets you where you are—and shows up like they mean it.

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