Heather Graham on the Roles She Had to Take and the Stories She’s Finally Telling

Heather Graham has been in the business long enough to watch it change—and to have been changed by it. From her breakout in License to Drive at 17 to Boogie Nights, Austin Powers, and The Hangover, she’s played the kind of roles Hollywood wrote for women like her, even when those roles didn’t quite reflect who she actually was. Now she’s writing her own scripts, running her own production company, and doing craniosacral twice a week. 

She sits down with Lauren and Michael Bosstick to talk about growing up nerdy in Hollywood, what it really costs women to play the parts men write for them, and why she’s more focused than ever on telling stories from a female point of view.

Below are the highlights from the conversation adapted from the episode.

You grew up pretty conservative. How did you get from that to Hollywood?

“When I grew up, I had a conservative religious family, especially my father. I mean, I was very into playing dress up and pretending to be characters and making up stories. I love movies. And then when we moved when I was 9, we lived outside of Washington D.C. in Virginia, and then we moved to California, I became kind of shy because it was like around puberty-ish time. I was 9, starting to go through puberty, and then I became very shy and awkward and nerdy. And I used to act in school plays, and that was my way to try to be cool, basically.”

What was it like driving onto the 20th Century Fox lot for the first time at 17?

“It was amazing. I was 17. I was driving onto the 20th Century Fox lot, and you know, when you drive onto a lot and you’re just, no one in my family is in the business, it’s just amazing that they just let you through the gate and you just drive on to the 20th Century Fox lot. It was incredible.”

People assumed you were this wild party girl. Was any of that true?

“I don’t think people truly know how nerdy I am, but that’s fine. I like to pretend because when I was in high school, I was kind of this nerdy girl…But then when I started getting attention, I felt like I fooled them into believing I was this like, sexy movie star and it’s kind of like a fake persona almost…I always felt like I related more to the Bridget Jones character.”

How do you feel about being expected to do nudity just to get the job?

“Sometimes you get offered jobs and they’d be like, there’s nudity or there’s not nudity…to get a job, a lot of times you would have to like take this, you know, and you’d have to do the nude scenes in order to get it, or I mean, yeah, they’d be like, ‘If you’re not willing to do it, you can’t do this movie,’ and then people would be like, ‘Well, why did you do this nudity?’ And you’re like, well, that’s the freaking jobs that are out there, you know what I mean?…the system is kind of run by men and then the women get judged for playing those parts that are written by men and directed by men and then like released by men, and then they’re criticized, even though like men are creating this whole world.”

You go to Al-Anon twice a week. What does that actually do for you?

“It’s basically about detaching with love…you have to just decide if you can accept their behavior or not, and if you can, then just to be as loving as you can and to set healthy boundaries, or if you can’t, like how to lovingly detach and just like love them from afar…I was kind of brought up in like a patriarchal culture that was like give to everyone else and after you’ve given to everyone else, if there’s maybe do something nice for yourself if there’s time…it was not like love yourself and then give from the overflow.”

You also do cranial sacral therapy. What drew you to it?

“I did the 12 steps and that allowed me to uncover past trauma and be there and like in a loving way to heal that…I think it’s kind of synergistic…those two things together seem very, very powerful.”

You’ve never taken the traditional path—no marriage, no kids. Do you feel like you have to defend that?

“I think that more women [and] the culture are more accepting of it now…I don’t think everyone should feel like obligated because obviously there’s a lot of people that are terrible parents, and you know, better not to do it if you don’t think you could…I had a therapist and she was like, you know, if you don’t have kids, then life will bring you people to nurture…there’s other things that come into your life that you can nurture…I do think it’s cool that more women are just like, you know, it’s fine to not do it if it’s not your path.”

What changed after growing up as a people pleaser?

“I grew up being a people pleaser…the women are always the supporting characters…I grew up being a people pleaser and like, oh my God, I’m supposed to, because that was my model. My mother was like a very traditional mom and it felt like it was all about like, what does my dad want…it felt like she didn’t feel like an equal to me. So yeah, I felt like as a woman I wanted role models of women to look at who were strong and doing what they wanted.”

Why did you start Force of Nature Studios?

“My goal, I have a whole pitch deck that I came up with…is just to tell like really cool, interesting stories with like with female protagonists…if you look at how movies are made, each actor has a value and the men are just worth way more. And so it’s a lot easier to get a movie greenlit if you’re a man…I think it’s cool, all these women that are taking that into their own hands.”

What does your actual wellness routine look like day to day?

“I like getting a lot of sleep. I like working out. I work out like five times a week, and I just like try to surround myself with loving people…I really like yoga a lot…by the end you feel like cathartically like so good…I feel like I get to a spiritual place in yoga where especially if I go to a hard class and sometimes when it gets hot and like you’re sweating by the end of it, you just feel like you’re like reborn and like you’re just like all your stress is gone and you just feel like just happy to be alive.”

What are you saying yes to now that you wouldn’t have earlier in your career?

“I’m getting more into some development stuff like, you know, writing and directing and optioning books and I do love what I do and I love people…I like stories with female protagonists…You option the book on the road to like turning it into a film or a TV show…I just love, I love watching stories with female protagonists, maybe because when I came up in the business, there were not that many.”

Want to catch the full conversation? Tune into The Bossticks wherever you listen.

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